Gandalf says
by Ice And Fire Vanessa
Summary: They play an intensely suggestive game - ah well, the rest is history. SLASH
1. Introducing a game

Title: "Gandalf says . . . "  
  
Main pairings: Aragorn/Legolas, Arwen/Eowyn, Frodo/Sam, Merry/Pippin etc.  
  
Synopsis: Set after the whole chaotic events of the battle etc, Frodo introduces a new game played back in the Shire, hoping to get a chance to de-stress and relax, only to get the whole place chaotic. Game based on our "Simon says . . ." one.  
  
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Gondor  
  
It was an extremely depressing day for the fellowship and the two beautiful ladies of royalty currently with them. The rain drops which pitter-pattered on the eaves of the palace were cursed unanimously by the whole group who dully sat around, doing nothing at all.  
  
'How I wish we were back at battling the orcs outside Minas Trinith,' Aragorn muttered, his dark tresses, gleaming in cleanliness and dry for once, were shaken loose over his broad shoulders as he groaned in boredom.  
  
'Indeed, mellon-nin - I too share the same sentiments,' Legolas agreed, looking up from where he had been absently counting the number of tiny stubbles on Gimli's face.  
  
'Then can you understand why on earth I refused to be a good little lady of the court and sit there in my tent while you all went to battle?' Eowyn glared daggers at Aragorn whom had tried to dissuade her from going. Aragorn had to agree with her for once, he'd much rather go to battle and get his clothes and flesh ripped than stay here with mounting insanity.  
  
'Peace now, Eowyn dear,' Arwen murmured, quite enjoying running her pale hands through Eowyn's golden hair.  
  
'Frodo - what say you we teach them our game of "Gandalf says"?' Sam lounged adoringly by the feet of Frodo while Frodo indulgently patted his head, all at present felt like vomiting with this obvious show of affection. Arwen quite admired and respected Aragorn, for all the times he was on watch and had to endure the sloppy kissing noises and adoring exclamations of "Mr Frodo", and did not even vomit.  
  
'I suppose yes,' Frodo responded, his eyes lightening up at the prospect to relax at last.  
  
Or what he thought could make them relax.  
  
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This is my first attempt at humor fic. I've got another LOTR fic. It's Legolas/Aragorn slash.  
  
I hope you all read and review this chapter. I promise to put up a longer and more slashy chapter if I get at least ten reviews - so, what say you? I promise eventual Aragorn/Legolas although now, it's still not quite interesting yet. 


	2. An elvish visitor

READ AND REVIEW  
  
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There was five seconds of silence before Legolas broke the silence with an impatient, 'Well? Balrog got your tongue? Start explaining, little halfling!' which was followed by a sharp prod. Frodo jumped and stared at annoyance at Legolas before thinking better of the situation (considering that he barely reached up to Legolas' waist), and then sighed.  
  
'Well, it's like this - any number of people can play this game - we used to play in groups of twenty in the Shire,' Frodo let his eyes glaze for a moment, remembering his childhood when he was even shorter than he was presently, but the impatient glares thrown at him made him continue.  
  
'Ah well, then it's like each person takes turn to say "Gandalf says [something]". You can give any order you like and all at present are supposed to obey. But here comes the tricky part, occasionally, someone will purposely not say "Gandalf says" instead simply beginning with the order, if anyone also obeys that order, that person is out of the game!'  
  
He watched as the rest of the fellowship struggled to digest this new piece of halfling game information.  
  
'Sounds easy,' Legolas arched an eyebrow at the irony of such a simple game. Gimli echoed him with a nod of the beard.  
  
'Then, shall we begin?'  
  
'Yes, you start,' Arwen cheered inwardly at the prospect of something to do.  
  
Frodo thought for a moment then said, 'Gandalf says [reach over the person on your left and shake their hand],'  
  
Arwen turned to Sam, who turned to Merry, who definitely as all can guess turned to Pippin, who gladly took Legolas' silky-smooth hand. Legolas in the meantime turned and shook Aragorn's hand gladly while the King shook Eowyn's hand and the line goes on, as you can see.  
  
'Gandalf says [close your eyes and stretch out your hands, feel for the person near you and hug the person - do NOT do anything other than hug],' The last bit was added when he saw Merry puckering his lips to kiss Pippin, it always never failed to disgust him.  
  
Arwen instinctively felt for Eowyn, which was not difficult as Eowyn's skin was smoother than the males, save only Legolas, who anyway, was in a nice, cuddly hug with Aragorn. A shout of 'ouch' was heard when Gimli, bumped into the wall in his frantic enthusiasm to find a partner.  
  
Frodo grinned in amusement. This was getting funny.  
  
'Well, Gandalf says [lie on your back and kick into the air],' Frodo ordered, carefully stepping back so as not to be kicked by Legolas who was taking his instructions too seriously. Occasional shouts of pain were heard from Pippin who was searching for an empty spot in the room.  
  
Just as the whole fellowship was enthusiastically imaging themselves to be fighting off orcs (Frodo was sure that at least Legolas was for he heard the elf say "Take that, Yrch," at least thrice), the door opened.  
  
All movement ceased as the poor royal advisor stared amazedly at Aragorn, who was trying to appear calm and unruffled caught in such an embarrassing situation. Surely the king has not gone mad with boredom, the advisor thought in alarm as he observed Aragorn's shaggy, messy tresses and the crumpled state of the king's clothing!  
  
'A-apologies, my lords and ladies, but I just needed King Aragorn to start signing his royal documents - he's not completely anything today yet,'  
  
Aragorn dearly wanted to wring the man's neck as he gritted his teeth and said, 'Ahem, I was just practicing my new fighting moves - Mr. Baggins here has invented a new series of fight moves to combat orcs and we're testing it out. Now, be off with you!'  
  
'But, King Elessar, you haven't accomplished anything today!' the poor man stuttered, trying to get his job done.  
  
'Oh, if you'll just leave me alone, I'll get *something* accomplished!' Aragorn snapped.  
  
'But the documents, sir!' the advisor looked really bewildered by the king's sudden uncooperativeness.  
  
'Leave it in my chambers, I will do those tonight,' Aragorn said dismissively, wishing the man would just vanish for good.  
  
The advisor did vanish indeed, just barely five seconds later for he saw that Aragorn was looking for something to aim at his head.  
  
'On your feet,' Frodo suddenly said, taking advantage of the moment of disturbed concentration and laughed when all of the Fellowship sprung up.  
  
'Penalty for all, that's it,' Frodo smiled wickedly.  
  
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2 hours later  
  
'I simply love those dark tresses, chiseled features, tall stature, strong arms, oh for the love of Valar,' Legolas unwittingly sighed, sounding very much like some lovelorn elf. Beside him, Gimli arched both eyebrows and spoke in amazement.  
  
'Oh god, don't you know by now the Arwen isn't interested in males?'  
  
Legolas could have sighed in frustration again as he turned to the dwarf and said sharply, 'I'm not interested in her. As if I would,'  
  
'Then who is the one who makes you sigh like as if Thranduil has decided to make peace with orcs?' Gimli asked inquisitively.  
  
'AragornsonofArathorn,' Legolas hissed the name as if it carried poison, making Gimli take a step back in alarm.  
  
'Did I just hear you say that the one you love is Aragorn?'  
  
'Uh-huh,'  
  
'Oh, dear Barlin, save me!'  
  
And Gimli fell into a dead faint.  
  
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6 hours later  
  
'I hate that what's-his-name advisor of mine, I hate my job, I hate Gondor, I hate Rohan, I HATE MIDDLE-EARTH!' Aragorn exploded like a volcano as he eyed the piles of documents which had accumulated over the last seventy two hours and then sighed unhappily.  
  
'This is one of the reasons why I'd rather be in the Mines of Moria,' the king gave a whinny noise as he jabbed gingerly at the six inch high paperwork that awaited his 'royal attention' as the note from his advisor said.  
  
Curse that halfling Frodo, Aragorn thought. The little vertically-challenged midget had given them all the penalty of hopping around on one foot while being buckets of icy water were being poured on them. It had taken Aragorn hours to convince Arwen and his advisor not to send for Elrond in case he fell sick.  
  
Speaking of Arwen, now, Aragorn knew that both she and him were extremely thankful the wedding was called off for they were both not straight, if you get what his royal highness meant. Arwen saw him as a little baby brother - she had the right to do so for she had seen him grow up from a little toddler who swore to marry Elladan or was it his twin, she could not remember, to a scraggly teenager determined to gain independence by dying his hair blonde like the elves.  
  
Aragorn had just started scratching his quill against the paper when he stopped, put down his pen and looked into the darkness, hissing, 'Which elf is that?'  
  
After half a minute, a gleaming figure stepped out of the darkness.  
  
'Legolas, what the hell are you doing here?'  
  
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REVIEW, OK? 


	3. Two sides to a story

Before Aragorn had a chance to even get up, he found himself overpowered by Legolas, together with a rope and a knife.  
  
'You – what on earth do you think you are doing?' Aragorn panicked and began writhing against the rope which held his hands together and his legs together. Legolas only smirked lightly, which made Aragorn shiver in fear. He might be taller but in terms of age, he certainly was very junior compared to the elf.  
  
'On the bed now,' Legolas said, leading Aragorn to the bed. Aragorn indignantly resisted and was forced to surrender when the knife blade was pressed dangerously against his jugular vein, drawing little droplets of blood.  
  
'I surrender,' resentfully, the king of Gondor muttered as he felt a delighted smirk come from the elf. Then, to his greatest alarm, a blindfold was pressed neatly over his eyes, sinking his world into pure darkness. Aragorn spluttered in his indignant and started thinking dramatically.  
  
'Oh Valar, he is going to murder me. To assassinate me! My kingly life shall end in minutes!' As he puzzled over why his elf friend would want to murder him, Aragorn felt himself being pushed forcefully onto to bed. He heard light chuckling as his knees were being kicked lightly at until he was kneeling on the bed, completely unaware of what Legolas intended to do.  
  
In fact, it was probably better that he did not know for Legolas had something very nastily pleasuring in mind.  
  
The seconds ticked by as Aragorn kneeled humbly on the bed, his hair hanging limply as he bowed his head in surrender, he would never win the elf in this.  
  
Then, the sinking of one end of the bed told him that Legolas was getting onto the bed. Indeed, less than a second later, he felt a silky soft voice blowing air into his ear, his neck, making him squirm.  
  
'Ah, not so gung-ho now, are we, little mortal?'  
  
'What do you want, elf?'  
  
'Why – I thought it was obvious,'  
  
'Stop your elven tricks,'  
  
'Oh, here comes the king of Gondor, a little baby elf in reality, speaking to a full-grown elf who is 2000 plus years older than him,'  
  
'Stop it,'  
  
'I shan't,'  
  
There was silence.  
  
'I shall only leave when I get what I want, only I'm afraid you'll never want me to leave,'  
  
You are cocky, Legolas, Aragorn thought.  
  
'Fine – then get over with it,'  
  
For one whole minute, Legolas made no movement and Aragorn remained kneeling. Then, Legolas whispered, 'I want to play a version of Gandalf says, but it is not an instruction of Gandalf but me,'  
  
'Can I say no?' Aragorn sighed audibly.  
  
'No, you can't,'  
  
'Fine,'  
  
Legolas leaned dangerously close until his lips were directly over Aragorn's and then whispered, 'It must be horrible, to be kept in darkness, isn't it, Aragorn?'  
  
A helpless nod, then light flooded into the vision of the king.  
  
'Now, tell me, do you still desire Arwen?'  
  
'Damn you,'  
  
'No swearing,' Legolas harshly slapped Aragorn – oh, so he's playing it rough now, Aragorn sighed mentally. How many bruises would he have acquired when this was over?  
  
'No,'  
  
'Very good,' the words were whispered with a seductive lilt. Legolas stared straight into the mortal's eyes, making Aragorn squirm as Legolas seemed to see through him. What did he see?  
  
Legolas now leaned close, so that his warm breath touched Aragorn's lips.  
  
'What are you doing?' Aragorn felt uncomfortable at such close contact and he tried to back away, only to fall clumsily on his back – even worse, at Legolas' mercy as he writhed under the ropes and tried to get off the bed, understanding now how it played a part in this whole scheme and dreading it.  
  
Thin lips pressed hard against his as Legolas straddled him easily, both hands cupping Aragorn's face while insistently stroking the side of his face soothingly. Aragorn was utterly alarmed at first – how was it that Legolas could tell what he wanted? It was scary – utterly bewildering.  
  
'Part your lips for me, Aragorn, Now,' the harsh instructions coupled with a slap across his face made Aragorn obey, feeling utterly humiliated to be found so vulnerable. Aragorn parted his lips, feeling the elf's tongue slip into his mouth and seeking his tongue.  
  
With a slight gasp, Aragorn's tongue slithered more boldly over the elf's and their tongues danced, attracted to each other like moths to flames.  
  
'Don't. Stop,' Aragorn gave a whinny noise as he helplessly watched Legolas pull back, a mischievously evil smile playing on the elven lips as the elf crouched next to him, absently playing with his hair, driving him mad.  
  
Then, something wet and incredibly teasing started moving down his neck, stopping at his jugular vein area and then Aragorn winced in alarm and fright as he realised that his once-best friend was licking at his neck. *licking*. He could have passed out in alarm. He held himself painfully still, aware that Legolas was deriving entertainment from feeling him tense to the actions.  
  
'Greenleaf, I didn't know you fancied blood,' Aragorn spat in his fright.  
  
'Oh – we're on surnames-terms now, aren't we? I don't fancy all men's blood, just yours, my dear Aragorn, just those of my desire,' the last word was stressed upon as Legolas smirked and let his fingers dance upon the king's neck.  
  
This game of seduction was turning out to be exhilarating and promising.  
  
'Back to the game, Aragorn. I will now untie you – but on a kingly honor, you must promise to obey my every single command, do you get it?' Legolas was satisfied, he was in command and nothing Aragorn could do could change this fact. Now he watched as his young friend nodded humbly.  
  
'You do remind me of Boromir,' Legolas muttered as he undid the knots. Aragorn gulped inwardly, not wanting to know what it was about him that made Legolas remember Legolas and also under *what* kind of circumstances had Legolas seen Boromir like this.  
  
'On your knees now, Aragorn,' Legolas enjoyed watching Aragorn clench his fists in an effort not to explode in humiliation and excitement.  
  
'Very good – now, off with those damned royal clothing – slowly,' the last command was sharp and stern, matched well with a slap at Aragorn's nether regions, or shall we put it more bluntly, his ass. As Aragorn twitched at the pain, he was forced to undo the buttons of his velvet shirt.  
  
Five seconds later, his fingers had only just finished undoing the first button and he heard a sigh of great exasperation from the elf before he saw a blade being whipped out and his shirt sliced neatly into halves.  
  
'I. Can't. Stand. Your. Slowness,' Legolas gritted his teeth and snarled as he ripped the shirt off Aragorn.  
  
There was a pause as Legolas studied the torso in front of him. As he appreciatively looked at the tan body he had long wanted to claim, he commanded Aragorn sternly, 'Take off my shirt,'  
  
As he felt the mortal's fingers skim lightly over the perfect porcelain skin exposed after the unbuttoning of the first button, Legolas harshly pulled Aragorn up for a kiss. But it was not exactly pleasuring a kiss can be, but rather, possessive.  
  
'Do you have any idea how long I waited for the chance to claim you as mine? Not any other elves' – or Arwen's or Haldir's, for the matter,' Aragorn was released and he felt extremely dizzy as he gripped Legolas' shoulders for support. The kiss was extremely fierce.  
  
'Now, off with your pants,' Legolas was breathing very fast now and his eyes burned with a harsh desire and passion.  
  
[Note: Author decided not to continue with the more sinfully interesting details, I trust your imagination to be vivid enough to know what could possibly happen]  
  
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MEANWHILE  
  
'Mister Frodo, I thought you were very clever to teach them the game,' Frodo was stunned to look up and see Sam, his *extremely* faithful bodyguard (who would go the *extra mile* to see that he was *comfortable and warm*) standing by the door.  
  
'Ah yes,' Frodo managed to say without spluttering when he saw what Sam was wearing. A tuxedo or to be more precise, something that seemed to resemble a tuxedo poorly. Pieces of clothes in black and white ripped in a trying-to-be artistic manner.  
  
'I was wondering if your hand is warm,' Sam tried to offer innocently as he tried to take Frodo's hand in his.  
  
'Saruman save us all!' was all Frodo managed to squeak before his screams were muffled by ... ... ... ... ... ... you-know-what.  
  
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Yay, I finally updated. I decided to poke fun at the Sam/Frodo horribly gay relationship. Ha ha ha. But I'll still continue to put darling Aragorn and nasty Legolas together as the main pairing, ok? Just be a nice girl/boy/woman/man, and review, ok?  
  
Love,  
  
Ice And Fire Vanessa  
  
8th March 2004 


	4. Chaos in the dawn

Thanks for those encouraging reviews – I take it you had a nice time imagining vividly what other *vigorous* torture Legolas put Aragorn through, alright?  
  
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The Next Morning  
  
'Farewell for now, mellon-nin,' the golden-haired elf finished tightening his silver belt and flicked his hair deftly over his shoulder before bending over the sleeping figure of the dark-haired man and whispering softly. Then, the fair elf cast a glance through the curtained windows and seeing the first lights of dawn, he left hastily.  
  
Legolas now slipped out of the king's chambers un-noticed, he slid elegantly off the window sill, and landed agilely on his feet on the grass patch below. In his face was a smug smirk, one of the few evidences that he was pleased with what he had got the night before.  
  
Legolas had finally got a chance to corner the king and get what he wanted. His plan had succeeded and at least the man knew how he felt about him. They had spent an entire night engaging spontaneously in activities so creative and alarmingly violent that some blood was still staining the sheets.  
  
*I could teach Gimli a thing or two* Legolas gave a slight smile at the thought of what he and Aragorn had done that could be taught to the dwarf without causing mental distress to the dwarf.  
  
*It's truly amazing how much a knife, a blindfold and I can achieve* Legolas laughed inwardly as he rounded the bend only to be met with such an unforgettable sight.  
  
Sam – yes, Sam the hobbit – the one whom got all emotional over the darn pony – yes, that Sam, was now disturbingly half-dressed (if the remaining pieces of stripped cloth over his nether regions, just enough to keep his nether regions from catching a damned cold, could be counted as half a piece of clothing) and was currently streaking across the open field.  
  
'Valar – what the hell is he doing?' Legolas mouthed like a goldfish out of water as he looked, dumbstruck and horrified, at the disturbing sight.  
  
Now, what was so disturbing? Simple. Firstly, what was Sam doing so early in the morning – it was barely six? Next, was it really Sam under the many layers of – oh god – excesses? No wonder he could be Frodo's protector, Sam certainly was thick in girth enough to block anyone. Thirdly, was Sam out of his mind to run around half naked?  
  
Long after Sam had disappeared behind some pavilions, Legolas jerked out of his stupor and stopped staring stupidly.  
  
*I'm just having a nightmare, that's all* Legolas fervently muttered, quite horrified by the sight. He had never been so appalled before. Why, Aragorn was far much better in terms of looks and muscular physique, and Legolas dare suspect, far better endowed nether regions compared to Sam.  
  
'LEGOLAS!' Legolas nearly jumped but maintain his cool manner of speech and deed as he surveyed an even more disastrous sight in front of him in alarm and horror.  
  
Frodo looked terrible. Straight to the point, the mass of dark hair was all messy and covered with grass and twigs, like some battle survivor. The famous blue eyes all female hobbits liked back in the Shire were now all blood-shot and filled with curiosity and terror.  
  
The halfling was curled up in a makeshift nest filled with leaves.  
  
'Frodo, what has happened?' Legolas managed to ask.  
  
'Sam – sexual harassment – forceful – kissing – stinks – chase,' were the only audible words as Legolas struggled to form a logical story based on the helping words.  
  
When he managed to form a logical story, Legolas had to steady himself with a nearby wall as his own appalled and horrified eyes met the halfling's.  
  
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2 hrs later  
  
'Was I having a dream?' Aragorn muttered aloud to himself as he groggily walked down the deserted corridors of the North wing. He had awoken nearly an hour ago thanks to a certain mad hobbit who had been shouting below his window at an ungodly hour.  
  
After poking his head out of the window and shouting something vulgarly explicit – something that involved shoving a part of someone's lower anatomy into the mouth – the young king had decided to ban hobbits from within a hundred feet of him.  
  
And Aragorn had been even more amazed and alarmed to realise that the hobbit had been his own prestigious guest by the name of Sam Gamgee also known to the king privately as "Sam the Gay".  
  
'I am living in a world of mad dreams indeed,' Aragorn decided as he struggled to remember if the feeling of a slim, hot, elvish body above him and the hardness of the previous night were indeed true.  
  
He now decided to go to the guest wing to check on his guests especially to seek out the questionable elf to interrogate.  
  
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15 mins later  
  
Was it just his mind or eyes or was the broom cupboard really shaking violently? Aragorn had never been more dumbfounded in his life faced with a shaking broom cupboard less than six feet away.  
  
'Valar, this is absolute madness!' Aragorn exclaimed.  
  
As he neared the cupboard, his fingers closed about the hilt of Anduril and he drew it out cautiously, going to kill anything that stepped out from the cupboard. As he stopped right outside the cupboard and pressed his right ear against a small creak in the door, he stopped right still.  
  
There were voices.  
  
Familiar voices.  
  
'Damn it Merry, this is hell of your fault. It's so bloody dark in here I can't see a thing. Tell me how we managed to f*** in this cupboard last night!'  
  
Aragorn couldn't believe his ears. Did he just hear that Merry was in the cupboard and had been fucking someone there last night? He decided to listen on, afterall, the other person in the cupboard seemed intent to retort.  
  
'Hello? You enjoyed it here last night?! Remember who was the one who screamed "Merry" "Merry" and "Merry" all over in our heated passion?'  
  
This was getting gradually very obscene to Aragorn and his eyes widened.  
  
'Brandybuck, it's all your fault we are stuck here. Somehow last night, we managed to lock ourselves in this cupboard!'  
  
'Fool of a Took, remind me never to ever attempt bedding you again! This is the most awful experience in my life!'  
  
Took. Fool of a Took. Pippin.  
  
Aragorn was horrified. Was everyone in this palace as gay as him and Legolas? Besides, the idea of Merry doing *anything* spectacular to Pippin with his *that thing* was hyper-disturbing and mildly traumatizing.  
  
He now turned his attention back into the two bickering in the cupboard as their voices had turned hysterical in panic and anger at each other.  
  
'Pippin Took, you stand back, I'm gonna hurl myself headfirst into this door and you are going to hurl yourself next!'  
  
The sound of shuffling inside the cupboard was intensified.  
  
'ONE, TWO, THREE!' The cupboard wobbled violently and Aragorn backed away fearfully.  
  
'AGAIN!' this time, the door burst opened and out popped Merry and Pippin *and* a bunch of discarded clothes.  
  
'I will never fuck you in a cupboard again!' Pippin was grumbling as he stood up from the heap, dusting himself free of the dust in the cupboard, oblivious to the king who stood standing there watching in distaste.  
  
'I should hope not. You had better confine your nocturnal tango activities to simply the guest rooms as I am sure the bedsheets are washed on a daily basis. Further activities in the cupboards will lead to me wishing to see you tango with an orc,'  
  
The hobbits jumped as they looked at the barely suppressed anger on the king's face.  
  
'Now, follow me, I would like to have a word with you two,' – a pause, then Aragorn added wisely, 'Get dressed first,'  
  
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Yay, another chapter done!  
  
Reviews?  
  
Love,  
  
Ice And Fire Vanessa  
  
12:59PM  
  
13/3/2004 


	5. Beauty and the Beast

Ah, I certainly am glad I managed to entertain some of you. Lol. Hope you will like this chapter.  
  
Um, I thought I would add, certain dirty terms used here, readers who will get offended, please do not read.  
  
R.E.V.I.E.W  
  
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It was to be found, that by late morning, all of the Fellowship had witnessed the disturbing scene of a naked Sam running around shouting loudly and all needed each other's help of reassurance that they had not loss their sanity at all.  
  
'Abominable. What the hell is this place getting to?' Legolas had recovered from his shock and was currently fervently drawing all window curtains and bolting the doors to prevent any mad hobbit from entering.  
  
'Not even old Bilbo was this mad!' Merry, Pippin and Frodo were now huddled under a pile of blankets, with their doors locked tightly with Faramir, the Captain of the Guards at Gondor, stationed in their room to prevent any entrance should Samwise Gamgee enter.  
  
Back to our favourite man, all hot and sexy, even in his despair and current state of shock. Aragorn the Handsome, Aragorn the Unwashed, Aragorn the man-whose-state-of-cleanliness-cause-despair and whatever other names he had was currently burying his gorgeous head in his hands and muttering curses in all languages he was proficient in.  
  
He had given the mad Merry and the crazy Pippin a dressing-down (he meant it not literally, for all those with a creative imagination) and had succeeded in getting them blushing in embarrassment at being called names such as "uncreative", "idiotic" and phrases like "I could have done better myself".  
  
'I suppose this lunacy-filled day has ended,' Aragorn muttered after a while, hearing nothing but forgetting it was due to the fact that the royal advisor had cleverly shut all windows to preserve the king's sanity.  
  
But how wrong he was.  
  
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In the smaller gardens  
  
Sam was getting worried – he had dressed his best for his Mister Frodo and had spoken in endearments with a sexy slur he had learnt from overhearing Legolas and Aragorn in the bedroom last night.  
  
It had taken him great pains to remember terms like "would the king like to be deflowered", "your hair sparkles with the waterfalls of the sun", "your eyes are a wicked blue" and such and such. But when he had uttered them to Frodo in his state of sexiness, all he had gotten was a sharp scream before Frodo promptly fainted.  
  
In all knight-in-shining-armor stance, Sam had picked up the hobbit and heroically slung the older hobbit over his shoulders before proceeding to the garden below Aragorn's bedroom, so that he could pick up new skills by listening while *doing* and also so that he could consult the king and the elf if Frodo wasn't impressed.  
  
It was and is a good thing that Sam had not succeeded with his lust-filled plan for if he had, no doubt a very furious Aragorn and a very annoyed Legolas would have beheaded him and sliced him into many pieces.  
  
And then, Sam, as all fat hobbits would have done, promptly fell asleep waiting for Frodo to wake up, resulting in a horrified Survivor- hobbit scrambling away when Frodo was awakened.  
  
And now, Sam was getting agitated as he could not find his "preciousssss".  
  
But he still prided himself upon his "good sense of direction" as he so "modestly" put it which in reality was the most bloody bad sense of direction to be blunt.  
  
He found his way back to where he was sure Frodo had been sleeping before the ah – unfortunate incident – and was glad to see that the windows were still open and a healthy breeze blowing in.  
  
*I shall lie on the bed swathed in blankets waiting for my love* he thought as he climbed into the room and literally wrapped himself up in sheets.  
  
*Mister Frodo shall think me irresistible and laugh at how adorably I'm wrapped up, like a present* and he lay down to wait.  
  
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The only two relatively unscathed were the Princess Eowyn and the Princess Arwen. They had spent a nice night cuddling up to each other and were now playing hide-and-seek (childish princesses) in the palace. It was Eowyn's turn to hide and Arwen turned her pretty head towards the wall and started counting.  
  
"... ... ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen... ... twenty-nine, thirty!' the beautiful, gorgeous, splendid, breath-taking, too-bad-Aragorn- is-gay Arwen now spun around so that her dark locks tumbled down her white shoulders as she smiled like an innocent child.  
  
"I'm coming, Eowyn!' her eager cries could be heard by the advisor whose room was just below and his sighs of exasperation at "bad- royalty" could be heard.  
  
And the beautiful Princess Arwen ran daintily from room to room looking for her lover.  
  
*****************************************************  
  
10 MINS LATER  
  
She had checked all the rooms available. Only one remained uncheck – the bedroom.  
  
Arwen now stepped quietly into the bedroom, her footsteps were nothing but faint whispers of air as she entered the dark bedroom (all the curtains drawn up). Eowyn was in here, Arwen knew as she excitedly did a quick sweep of the room.  
  
Nothing.  
  
Arwen's eyebrows were raised as she looked carefully and spotted what she thought she wanted to spot.  
  
'Ah-hah,' she softly whispered and approached the lump on the bed which blended so well into the background that she nearly missed it.  
  
'Eowyn, my love,' she cooed seductively as she lay beside the lump and pulled it close to her, all the while drawing the blankets down slowly.  
  
********************************************************************  
  
Frodo had come. The soft whispers of love made Sam gleeful as he waited for his dear Mister Frodo to come upon the bed.  
  
And, his hearing muffled by the blankets, he heard Frodo distinctly whisper something about "Sam, my love" and triumphantly laid still as the blankets around him were pulled down gently.  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
Two screams were heard at the same time. One high-pitched and were a royal accent and the other lower-pitched with a Shire accent.  
  
***********************************************************************  
  
Yay, I updated again.  
  
But I shan't post it up till this coming Saturday.  
  
Love,  
  
Ice And Fire Vanessa  
  
16/3/2004 


	6. A Satisfying Ending or so the author hop...

Ok, here's another crazy chapter. Lol. I enjoy updating this.  
  
Faramir gripped his sword tightly (I mean the one made of steel that is forged – not the other one, alright?) as he heard screams, conveying identical horror but so different in pitches, fly through the window. He found it to be his duty to fend off whatever intruder it may be and also his at the same time to protect the hobbits (or as Faramir sometimes called them [dumb idiots who cost my brother his life], thus he was torn between duty and duty.  
  
'Do you dumb – no, hobbit guests mind if I check on what has happened?' Faramir saw confusion on Pippin, or was it Merry – never mind, their heights were the same – 's face as that particular hobbit tried to identify what word Faramir had bitten back.  
  
Without waiting for a response, Faramir gallantly leaped out of the window, clutching sword and all.   
  
Sam found himself unable to do anything but scream at the horribly tall Arwen who had frozen on the spot.  
  
And he scrambled away faster before anything else happened in fear only to be caught by a pair of hairy hands and thrown back onto the bed where Arwen, jolted by the impact of a fat hobbit body hitting the bed, toppled, landing – oh god – landing imperfectly on top of Sam.  
  
'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH – I kissed a pig!!!' Arwen screamed in distress as she wiped the back of her mouth, catching the eye of Faramir who was horror-struck at what he had done, she motioned wildly for water to be brought as she spat un-ladylike, onto the floor and all over the place.  
  
Unfortunately for her, her toes caught a bedsheet she had discarded in her previous haste to "find precious darling Eowyn" and she tripped, to her horror, directly onto the body of Sam!  
  
'AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH,' this time it wasn't Arwen or Sam, but rather the beautiful, charming lady Eowyn who had walked upon what she supposed quite angrily and hurt was a "quick make-out session behind my back".  
  
Arwen and Sam were both too shocked to do anything but clutch onto the bedsheets, giving worse implications of restrained pleasure that made Eowyn fume.  
  
'E-Eowyn darling?' Arwen tentatively crawled off the bed, unaware that her motion had caused her silk dress to be ripped from waist down silently.  
  
'Don't you "Eowyn darling" me, you whore!' Eowyn exploded furiously and got positively livid with rage when she caught sight of the ripped dress and screamed in righteous rage while shaking her head disbelievingly at her lover who was now packed off to the "history" box.  
  
'You were all ready to make out like wild rabbits in heat!' Eowyn accused in rage.  
  
And slapped Arwen really hard.  
  
Faramir and Sam both exchanged nervous glances when Arwen burst into tears.  
  
5 hours later  
  
The tension was scary, even worse than ten Balrogs' presence, everyone were in pairs except three individuals – namely, Sam, the lady Arwen and her estranged lover, Eowyn.  
  
'We have come now for another game of "Gandalf Says" since the first time we played this game caused great madness and so, the source is the cure – I pronounce the second game and may Valar grant, the last game started!' Aragorn grandly stood up and sweeping his arms in a kingly movement announced.  
  
' Alright – Gandalf says [ Close your eyes and count to ten ],' Frodo muttered, there was a unanimous complain among all that spoke of boredom at such simple instructions.  
  
'Make it a bit more - '  
  
'Maybe interesting – '  
  
'No – '  
  
'Make it exciting – '  
  
'Thrilling – '  
  
'Steamy – ' shouted one familiarly horrifying hobbit voice and Frodo cringed on the spot.  
  
'Yes – steamy – '  
  
There was a loud cough by Aragorn that no one bothered to care as he tried to get the situation under control.  
  
But he failed, alas, and the royal room was soon full of hobbits doing twosomes and threesomes, balancing juggling acts were Gimli and Sam, Arwen tearfully accepted the "make-up" embrace by her lover.  
  
Another hacking cough came from Aragorn and everyone turned to see this time – but not for long – for Legolas wisely appeared out of nowhere and insisted upon French-kissing the king.  
  
And so ends the never-will-end mad story of how Frodo the Dumbo caused unspeakable chaos with his game of [ Gandalf Says ] .  
  
Author bows  
  



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